another day in paradise

So, without notice, I abandoned my blog.
I just didn't feel like spending time to write about what was/is happening in my life. I still don't.

I knew I wouldn't get voted number one red hot anything, so that was no surprise...

I got my nose pierced, as you know. (still trying to be inconspicuous at work...so far, so good) and yes, MamaK...we went to 23rd street. from what I understand that 's the ONLY place you're supposed to go.

Did you know it's illegal to get a tattoo in Oklahoma???

Spent an incredibly awkward week at my mom's. I can't explain it, and I don't have the juice to spend trying to confront her about it. Instead I do nothing, and internalize it...stressing my poor lima bean adrenals even more.

The chiropractor formerly known as my crush...who, turns out, is a cool person to have kept around as a friend. All was not lost there. He moves to Denver tomorrow, though. I helped him pack all day sunday, and was relieved he didn'[t need my help yesterday.

I met someone, (we'll call him cute guy) who I thought I'd be starting something with...BUT after talking everyday for a week, and spending the better part of 3 days together, he said he has to clean up a previous mess. I can't help but feeling defective--even though I'm not and I know it. He explained it all out, and it seems at about the same time Mr Arlt was giving me the royal lying to, he was experiencing much the same thing. I know that immediately following my own debacle, I really wasn't ready either. I don't get it though. Maybe I do get it, and I just don't want to see the rug out from under me. again. Before Christmas, my plate was totally clean. and then shows up cute guy. I had no irons in the fire to keep me from devoting full attention to this exciting new thing. I realize that CD making and daily phone calls do not translate into anything other than CDs and phone calls....BUT you'd have a hard time convincing me there isn't something wrong.
He's not an asshole. He didn't do anything wrong. I'm not better off without him, Dad, if he can't see how great I am.
Do people take time/space/clean up messes, and then after a while pick up where they left off? I know it's only been a short time. I know I'll live. I always do. and it's not just him, but today...life doesn't feel that good.
Oh yeah, I've gained 17.5 pounds since October 5.
That helps.

Other men have been resurfacing for some reason...the guy who dumped me for fear of obesity, has been emailing me--the other day he told me to be showered and at my house by 430, as he'd be having beaver for dinner. I can't tell you how touched I was by THAT proposition.
A different guy from 2 YEARS ago wrote to me last night. Apologizing for running away when he realized he could fall in love with me. oops. Wants to have dinner and talk about what our future holds. (did I mention he has made several contacts on the past year and a half, wanting to do something...only to stand me up and never call) I agreed to have dinner with him. Hell, there's really nobody I have been unable to forgive...not sure about any future with him...but I'll hear his schpeel.

In an nutshell-I don't feel funny, smart, sexy, or worthy.
I know this isn't productive.
Oh well.
sue me.


Here I am on NYE...I LOOK happy~
deceiving, eh?